I don’t actually know that I am yet, but I’ve spent the last decade or so sort of dissociating. I never really liked looking in the mirror, I just see a ghost staring back at me, and I think I would like to look less manly, even if that doesn’t necessarily mean like a woman. I joined an LGBTQ+ community and started trying some different gender expressions recently. I bought a skirt and some long socks, I started shaving all my body hair, I’ve thought about different names. Not a lot of it’s stuck, but I do like the way my skin feels shaven. I just still feel like a kind of dumpy mid-30s balding white guy though. I don’t even think I look particularly bad objectively, but I do know I personally don’t like the way I look now. A friend of mine started drawing a mid-30s tech worker bunny boy who turned himself into a long-haired raver with a fat ass after I started talking about it and now I’m trying minoxidil and I’m hoping to get on Finasteride and maybe E soon, I’m hoping it’ll give me nicer hips and a butt, and if I happen to grow (bigger) breasts, well, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Maybe I’ll like them, and worst case I can always bind or get a mastectomy.

The more I talk about it, the more I realize the things I say are very eggy, but I don’t know if that’s actually what it is. Like, I just want to have hair again and feel cute and, for lack of a better term, fuckable, instead of constantly comparing myself to the guy with no life from South Park. I guess we’ll see where this goes.

Holy fuck. I can’t come to grips with how close this hits home.

I mean, I really don’t. I’m not particularly gung-ho about being male, but I don’t think I’d be happier as a girl because my problems stem from socioeconomic stresses, rather than anything to do with my gender perception or body image.