Glad to hear other people feel the same way. A few months into a transition and I can say it helps a bit to meet gorgeous cis women who I absolutely get gender envy from, but don’t have any sexual attraction too. Helps to learn how to separate those emotions

You’ve been thinking it about it every day for months. You need to do it. Speaking as someone who started transistioning within a year of sobering up, you’ve been masking the pain of dysphoria with narcotics. That will kill you. And the dysphoria will get worse as you age. Do you talk to a therapist?