I’m sure that dead-naming is far worse but would I be wrong to think that this lies in the same vein as dead-naming?

This is fascinating to me. I’ve never changed my name so I cannot have been dead-named but I do know how I feel when my family treats me in a way that denies the facets of my identity that I have accepted in my more recent adulthood – concretely: my neuro-diversity, because they don’t know that I don’t think of myself as binary.

Of course, these are not the same thing but people understand differences by bridging gaps based on common ground and all of this discussion builds common ground, in my mind. That’s why I’m asking.

I cannot agree.

I have very week, most frequently non-existent gender allegiance but I do know that there’s a tonne of stuff that’s odd about me and I often am offended or driven off by people who do things that simply don’t work with my mind-set so I can well understand why being “misgendered” (sarcasm quotes: yours.) might just be a thing that drives someone else away.

I’m not here because I’m accepting “fault” upon myself. I’m here because I want to be part of a tolerant future and I feel that this is important given the trajectory straight into hell that we are clearly currently set upon. I’m here because I’d at least like to ask “why” before I decide how I will behave in relation to others.

I choose to live as if the world was one in which I’d choose to live and, in that world, people get to choose their identities however they please. I can’t relate to why someone takes offence at “they”/“them” but, if they are offended, I can and will accept that and, conversely, I would wish that they might realise that I will surely make mistakes and get this wrong even if I do or did understand.

This is the only fair deal: I try in good faith, they understand and offer the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t perceive any attention-seeking but that’s besides the point. Even if they choose to seek attention, I don’t begrudge them that: sometimes, people seek attention. Why should I object?

Your comments might be more relevant to me than you know. I don’t know if I’m “agender” or something else. I know I very definitely do perceive that I have a gender, sometimes. Maybe an hour here and there, an evening, … but I can definitely identify with that “don’t even perceive my own gender” bit for the vast majority of my life, integrating over time.

And, as you can clearly tell, I haven’t perceived my own gender intensely enough to bother to find the right label for it so I mostly just let the world slap whatever labels they think makes them happy.

I guess that that annoys me, though, now that I come to think about it. I do know that I’m not what they label me. Most think I’m heterosexual male because that’s how I suppose I present in real life – how I dress and what you’d see on the “FKK” swimming lawn – and the rest label me “gay”-as-in-perjorative (I’m from a toxic-masculine culture, born in the 80’s, with a voice pitched too high and a body that’s not tall enough. What else would you expect?) I’m definitely neither of these. Or: nearly always neither of those and never only either of those.

Maybe this unacknowledged irritation is why I’m here, looking to find the right way to treat others even while I’ve long given up on being treated right by the wrong sort of others? (I am exceedingly lucky in that I can fly below the radar and live in a safe country so I literally can treat people who deny my existence as simply beneath my notice.)

That’s fair. Insightful.

I have very nuanced bi-sexual tendencies and, to me, I don’t personally have strong feelings towards my own pronouns but I have not personally realised any deep affiliation with “male” (my assigned gender) or “female” but I can well imagine that it is much more critical for a trans person who has realised an identity deeply enough to inspire them to transition.

I mean: I don’t even care about my own gender – call me whatever. At certain times, I have an attraction one way or the other. I’m married to a woman. I’m a father. These facts are all true but I honestly couldn’t care what pronouns or gender or sex you write down, for me. This is probably why I started this topic: I’m trying to understand how this is for others who care far more than I do.

I don’t care but I do care to honour those who do care. I certainly care to honour those who care enough to choose to transition!

But oh dear, though. That does not help me. I’d love to call your hypothetical trans woman a woman on purpose but that would require me to notice what she thinks “normal” people “normally” notice and, yeah: autistic. Maybe I’ll stop defaulting to “they” / “them” – at least online – and default to confused-blob-cat or something for pronouns.