I’ve realized that IRL there are no character traits we want a man to have but not a woman, and vice versa. This is the train of thought that leads me to gender abolition, at least for myself.

Masculinity no longer means anything positive, and the popular folk who assert that it means something insist that it means things that I find objectionable, and who behave in ways that are objectionable, themselves.

Enby or NB (non-binary) is just a catch-all category for those of us who are genderqueer, whether two spirited, neither, alternating, both, third-gender or whatever, it all falls under enby.

I’ve deliberated at length at what masculinity means to me, which I explain here – sorry about the sloppy link.

tl;dr: My early perspectives of manhood come from the cold war: the capacity to hold onto immense (⚛☢) amounts of power and not use it inappropriately, and never in aggression. In time it became taking care of business; to man up is to pony up and pay bills and make sure adult stuff is managed. But in the 1990s that became adulting and was expected of everyone who was of majority.

Now, manhood is about using grandfathered presumptions of masculinity to preserve old power structures and oppress women and minorities, and I want nothing to do with any of it.

I hope I’ll just be the same, only happier and with sexual interests (or lack thereof) that match my circumstances. As I mention elsewhere, I really don’t want to turn into my dad, who is a full MAGA disciple and football fanatic who loves Trump with all his heart.

Considering the men on my mother’s side of the family tree all usually lose their hair in their thirties, I may also lose mine, and I’m not thrilled with the idea.

There’s a strong possibility my major depression is related. I was a very late bloomer, and was antagonized by school sports teams and their coaches when in primary school. (It was the eighties). My body hair has always been thin. Only in my fifties have I been able to grow a moustache, and then with no small amount of cultivation. I have a full head of hair at 58 even though the men on mom’s side of the family go bald in their thirties.

I’ve also been a meek, gentle soul, all my life, and for multiple partners, was able to be the one who didn’t rampage with lost tempers. My passivity may have to do more with ASD and not having the impetus to assert my soft boundaries.

Curiously, I was conservative in my early twenties, which was all undone as the premises my ideology was founded on were demonstrated to be false. Actual facts and studies pushed me to the left with the rise of the internet and access to more factual information. I research out of habit.

ETA Questions about low T rose in my fifties when my libido bottomed out leading to the end of my relationship of twelve years (it wasn’t the only factor but it was a factor). Now I look at porn and my brain doesn’t understand what the curves mean but knows they’re important. Now I have yearnings for some kind of ambiguous contact maybe more than cuddling… though I’m also touch starved right now, so that’s a factor. I’m not yet at the garlic-bread threshold and wish my brain would make up its mind.

I can’t speak to how hormones affect people generally, but looking at how my father behaves (and is a MAGA disciple and Trump worshipper) I’m terrified of becoming more like him.

Every person is different, and based on my heritage, I have some scary ideas of who I might have been via small nudges of destiny or biology.

For most of my life I was a gender abolitionist. I just didn’t care, really, about my masculinity. I’d still be down for GA except I recognize that trans folk get so much out of being their true gender. It makes them really happy, so there’s obviously something there.

I’d identify purely as enby (undefined) except I’ve become repulsed at how maleness is represented in society. With examples of masculinity like Donald J. Trump, Matt Walsh, Ben Shapiro and Joe Rogan, I’ve given up on maleness, and have proverbially burned my man card.

(Oh, I recently learned my levels of T are atypically low and probably have been all my life. I am seeing an endocrinologist in December to see if I’m a candidate for hormone replacement. I’ll try it so long as I don’t become a sex pest or a Republican or violent. I may be sad if I lose my hair.)

So now I’m Enby (undefined, but absolutely not a man).

That’s an example of genderqueer.

ETA I’ve deliberated at length at what masculinity looks like, and expressed my sentiments here – sorry about the messy link.

The way urges like these work, yeah, it’s normal to start gathering cute clothes just in case you wake up cute one day. Even if wake up cute one day sounds ridiculous in your head.

I was having a rush of encounters between my girlfriends. He was jealous, and my roommate decided that might be a red flag in their relationship. It was more that he didn’t know fully what he wanted and was a bit opportunistic.

When I had half a dozen partners, I’d see each one of them once every six months, so I was actually getting less contact than when I was doing serial monogamy.

Curiously, when my flatmate had a boyfriend, I was having a rush and he was jealous of my busy schedule despite that it turned into a red flag for the roomie / his partner.

If they strike down Obergafel, may it be the last straw that breaks public obedience to the federal justice system.

I mean, since the public is getting abducted and rendered without due process daily, it’s not like federal law actually matters, already.

If they’re coming for you anyway to deprive you of life and liberty, why not crime? You don’t surrender if the enemy gives no quarter.

Isn’t that the dude who then said he was fired due to his Jubilee appearance and got $35k from GoFundMe?

And then it turns out he was fired months earlier?

I think the maggots are already chewing at the heart of Jubilee.

I’m poor as dirt but I’ll drop them some money in May.

To quote Freddie Mercury: The Show Must Go On

That’s me.

I mean I still have an [M] on my ID card and have the usual boy-bits and features, but I never really cared — or fit in — when I was expected to do well in sports or defend myself against bullies. I always wondered why dudes were expected to wear drab or identifiable sports colors, or the same uniform tuxedo.

But today I am not a man. Man-null. The boolean opposite of man. Enby or agender when I can tick those boxes.

I’ve long turned in my proverbial man card.

The definitions of manhood I had as a kid turned out to be simple adulting by the 90s (everyone is expected to do accounting and housework and late shifts). Everyone not in the ownership class (or their police contingent) are expected to act maturely and be responsible.

Exemplars of men include Donald J. Trump, Matt Walsh, Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, Andrew Tate…

…my MAGA loyalist, FOX-news–watching father.

I want to be as unlike these guys as I can.

I have no gender.

You want to know why? Check out Behind the Bastards two parter on Reinhard Heydrich, noting his time running the Sicherheitsdienst (SD) in Berlin. TL;DL Heydrich eventually just made a list of people the party didn’t like (based on what he didn’t like) down to transients, people with mental illness, and people with jobs he didn’t approve of.

This is not our first rodeo.

< rant > It is still a right-wing propaganda show.

No wait, its Newsom’s show, and he’s inviting far-right pro-autocracy bigots, and acts like he’s one of them.

It appears Newsom has repeatedly announced he’s been seduced by the dark side of the force.

As today’s CR vote showed us in the US, the Democratic party is complicit, and Gavin Newsom can’t think past his political career to see they’re going to imprison him as an enemy of the state before there is ever an election again.

After the election we realized the Democratic party had two options: Go hard left and serve to restore government service to the public (thereby walking away from lobbyists and plutocrat money) or fade into irrelevance. It seems they like money so much they’re willing to risk getting long-knifed by OG right-wingers.

It wouldn’t be the first time the left-wing parties went Neville Chamberlain. It seems that other nations’ voters are also choosing far-right parties over neoliberal parties, if those are the only choices they are given.

If we’re going to stop the MAGA movement, autocracy and the holocaust they are oh-so-eager to get started, we need to start getting neighborhood nets and mutual aid orgs going.

(Sadly, I suck at social stuff so how to do that is beyond me. My current plan is to make a whole lot of Tollhouse cookies and give them to neighbors stating this situation.)

You may want to check your own elected officials and how tight they are with lobbyists and other agents of the ownership class. AOC and Bernie Sanders seem to be trying to build a resistance coalition but yeah, Newsom decided to keep the One Ring for himself.

Maybe I have other elected officials that might be useful.

Were using shouting and protest posters for now, but you may want to know where your supplies are for making molotovs. May it never come to that.

< /rant >

Dr. Friedrich Wilhelm Kritzinger: That is not - no, that is contrary to what the Chancellery has been told. I have directly been assured - I have - that - purge the Jews, yes, but to annihilate them - that we have undertaken to systematically annihilate all the Jews of Europe - that possibility has personally been denied, to me, by the Führer!

Reinhard Heydrich: And it will continue to be.

Conspiracy, 2000, based on the translations of the Wannsee Conference, 1942, Berlin

What happens if I reject my gender, since social paragons of that gender are people like Matt Walsh and Donald Trump?

All the things I learned were masculine in the 1980s turned out to be general adulting.

There are three things I know that look like that.

~ The Fat Man configuration of an atomic bomb

~ An internal confinement fusion reactor

~ A magnetic bottle with which to store extremely reactive substances, such as strange matter, a black hole or antimatter, none of which anyone actually has in enough quantity to be dangerous and require a magnetic bottle. But we still have the containment chambers.

Beauty and happiness for everybody?