there is an anxiety in my trans circles that the future might become worse, that access to surgery, new passports and stuff might become harder. i feel like i should hurry to get shit done.
but i can’t. it took sooo long until i knew for sure, i wanted to go on hrt. i am now and it’s great. not for the reasons i imagined, but for all the small things i never thought about. yet i don’t know what i want my name to be. it is such a hard question for me. i start to rethink sexuality aswell esp. since my libido seems to have vanished under estrogen. this i like also. but what does it say about my sexual identity? or my gender identity? will there be a point at which i want a bottom surgery? there are so many questions that i can’t answer (yet).
meanwhile the whole world seems to demand these answers and wants them to align with their cis-het assumptions. health care wants me to display a binary persona for access to hrt (i played the part), and surgery. my aunt immediately fantasized about me “certainly” looking for a man to have a family with. everyone really wats to have an update on how to handle me. no ambiguity.
i realised that in my trans specific therapy group i get quiet and anxious when they are all discussing hospitals, doctors, procedures and all the technicalities. i feel like i am behind. always behind. i haven’t done my homework. i didn’t know forever that i was a girl. i don’t know today. i’m just starting to get a sense of self. something that was shattered and buried through thorough suppression. i am putting together fragments like an archeologist. but being trans is in a way still just a working hypothesis. it’s highly plausible, but i can’t see the bigger picture yet.
i am afraid, that all of this will take me too long, that i will have to jump over new hurdles, or old ones, like when the rubber stamps from my therapist will be too old. i feel like i have to figure out myself now. i feel alone with that. even in self help, and therapy groups everyone is always so sure about themselves. just not me. i should seek out enby groups maybe? plz hit me up, if you ever felt this way too. 😥
hey, thanks! i do use this negative approach a lot. i don’t like being a boy, so let’s try girl! i had a long phase of negating myself before. i avoided saying “i am X” i’d rather say “i don’t like/do Y”. that also prevented me from calling myself an enby. that would’ve been too much of an affirmation. it was more that at some point i grew tired. i changed a lot of thought patterns in therapy which led me to abandon a lot of my self negation. i just wanted to be something for once. and that culminated in the point at which i said: “i want to be more feminine, but i am unsure about breasts. i could live as a man for so long, i will survive having breasts too. fuck it. ill go on hrt!”
i guess the new thing, is that i care sbout myself all of a sudden.
knowing trans people helps a bunch, yes. i live in a quite queer circle for years. it helped me to see that transitioning is possible. but i was still so disconnected from myself, that nothing came of it.
sry i see how the way i put that made it sound that i suddenly found myself to be queer. that point 14 month ago really was the “i want hrt” moment. but i guess we have similar experiences. :)
for surgery i am at a point at which i’d say “i like what estrogen is doing. i sure could live without a penis.” i think however this step might not be for me. if i’d suffer more from the surgery than i suffer from my current state … i shouldn’t go for it. would i be more intetrested in having a sex life with another configuration? idk.