Here goes…

I had a therapy session tonight, it went well just not long enough. I still have questions, I’m still really confused, I’ve never needed more time with my therapist before.

Let me start over

Hi, I’m Nissa! But also howdy, I’m Lewis. I’m not one, but both. Dual-binary as I call it. Is this a thing? Being trans doesn’t mean be this, get in the box. There is no wrong way, right?! But to let myself be Nissa I have to give up something of Lewis’s. To keep being Lewis, Nissa will continue to suffer. I can buy and wear the clothes, I can wear the make up and style my hair but it’ll only be half steps. I love my skirts but I also love my three piece suits.

I started writing this last week after my therapy session. I don’t feel like I had enough time and even started crying, not knowing what to do or what I can do. I haven’t been around much lately because I’ve felt so confused. I haven’t girlmoded in almost 2 weeks, partly because of this, partly due to outside stressors, and partly due to my wife’s stress and needing Lewis.

I did some digging today and turns out bigender is totally a thing. I can be both, there are others like me. I can rock makeup and a mustache. I can grow my hair out again and style it while still enjoying a 3 peice suit. I love painting my nails and I want to get better at it. I am honestly considering laser hair removal for everything sans mustache cuz shaving sucks.

I want to continue to be apart of this community because my trans side is fem and I need your help and support. When I’m talking to all you lovely ladies I’m Nissa, but I can be Lewis at the same time. Being here and supporting you makes me happy. I don’t know what my future holds, but that’s okay, no one really does. I know 2 things for sure:

  1. I’m going to keep coming back here, sharing my stories, pics as I get more confident, and mostly to bask is the glow of all of you maybe live vicariously through you too

And B. I have a new dress at home that I’m going to try on this evening, and if I don’t hate it I’ll try and make a post

Thanks for listening

Love you all!

♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡

  • Nissa@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
    4·
    24 days ago

    This is the hardest question to answer. If you asked, do I want to be super adorable like you are? Hells yea! If you asked, do you want to keep the mustache? Of course I do! That’s the problem with both, there isn’t a standard game plan. There isn’t a road map or step by step process. What i want is a magic swap gender button. This is a problem for future Nissa, present Nissa just wants to be seen, accepted, and happy. To walk hand in hand with Lewis not live in his shadow.

    Two roads diverge in a woods, yall started on one side and decided to cross the woods to the other. I’ve decided to walk amongst the trees.

    • erin@quokk.auEnglish
      2·
      24 days ago

      hardest? what about twink death and futher even more masculinization

      if u fluid/enby possible to that on hrt

      • Nissa@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
        3·
        24 days ago

        I definitely past twink death already, I’m 36 and really can’t get more masculine. HRT would just give me some curves and smooth out the rough edges, at least from what I’ve read. It’s not off the table but not sure if I will

        • erin@quokk.auEnglish
          2·
          24 days ago

          BRUH im wrote a long message then page reloaded accidentaly and there no it((((

          • Nissa@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
            1·
            24 days ago

            That sucks! I don’t want to make you write it again but sure would have liked to read it.

            • erin@quokk.auEnglish
              3·
              23 days ago

              try again wrote it

              u can get more masculine(the men aging)

              hrt can grow boobs depends on female relatives, and mom or more complicated dad bio sister

              hrt can make skin less oiler/smoother, also the body hair thinner too but stop male alopecia, can, distribute new fat in other zones, change muscle definition, and some girly mentality

              for enby thats very good, but depends on level of masculinization other ppl need surgeries but even surgeries cant redo most testosterone stuff sadly, for example even ffs is very limited how much bone possible to shave and huh its not reconstruction is shaving

              also quite unconfortable since im minor, hrt can change sexuality thing, possible erec dysfunction(rare, mostly its based on neurology, reversible), athropy if dont maintain it(on T random erects are designed to prevent athropy), infertility(reversible), less libido(varies)

              still if dont really want it, under-researched biochemical dysphoria exist, for me on testostetone is was hell biochemical level, depersonalization and other unfun things, since puberty start, estrogen is best antipsychotic

              also there are in-between hormones Selective Estrogen Recoptor Modulators SERM, they antagonist in breast tissue, but agonists in other, raloxifene or lasofoxifenne(better newer and rare), tamoxifene is worst, the problem is under-researched and untrackable throught bloodtests, carries more risks than regular bioidentical estrogen

              DIY exist if u live in transmedicalist/banned area (dont otokonoko pharm plssss), open gate labs in US and astrovials/estrapen in EU(which operating currently) (https://diyhrt.market/)

              u can still experiment w social expression

              doing lgbt harmful gender ideology propaganda extremism in view of WhiteHouse/Kremlin hehehe

              • Nissa@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
                3·
                23 days ago

                Wow, you know soooo much. Thanks for the info, I really appreciate it. You have definitely given me some things to think about