And fr, I still was struggling a lot after I started transitioning. Dysphoria was my biggest problem, so I was a lot happier, but it took years of work including CBT to get to where I am now.
Irl socialization is absolutely vital and I’m smacking myself for forgetting to include it. Tbh it may have been more important than the CBT, it’s just that I did it alongside coming out (got involved in queer community). And if you’re transfeminine I’ll also say it’s especially good to make friends with other transfeminine people.
And yeah, no amount or self work will make you feel good in a bad environment, but it can be better and it can help you get out.
Also, it’s important to acknowledge self hate for what it is: a cognitive distortion. Maybe it’s completely unfounded, but even if there are real bad things you’ve done, self hate doesn’t make you better, it isn’t a penance, if anything it’s a distraction from becoming someone you can be proud to be.
Huh. I haven’t thought of it that way. I gotta love myself to fix myself.
Also yeah, I really want to make friends with other transfemmes. Like, that’s one of the main reasons I’d want to move to a bigger city; it’ll be easier to find people like me (autistic gay trans catgirls).
I also kinda hope that I’ll make a friend that really enjoys my company and our friendship becomes… something really special. But that’s neither here nor there.
Yeah it was a hard lesson for me to learn. People only want to spend effort fixing things they think are worth fixing. If you could hate yourself better you’d have seen some improvement by now. Improving is hard and involves trying and failing. Self love is the key to not being discouraged when you face difficulties and fail.
And yeah, I’d check your area for trans support groups or meetups. Queer activism organizations like PFLAG may also be helpful. The closer to specifically trans something is the more of a red flag it is if you’re the only transfem present or there’s like one other one. Finding a bigger city is definitely going to help but you may surprise yourself, I found a good friend group when I lived in a smaller city.
And it’s fair to want a closer relationship too. Wanting a partner or best friend/sister figure is normal and these relationships are something we need to be allowed to want without shame. I have built a queer family in my life and I’m married now, and these are things that are worth fighting for. And I’m angry that there are some who try to shame my sisters who don’t have such relationships for wanting them as though our people are less human, less deserving of loving relationships.
You deserve these things, you may have to do some self work to be able to be healthy for others to have such relationships with you, or for them to want to have such a relationship with you, or maybe you’re already fine for them. But it’s just another reason to do that work, because you deserve the effort that that will take. You deserve the fruits of the internal work and of the external effort of going out and meeting people and trying to form ties with your fellow humans.
I think I’m not ready for personal growth yet. I’m just gonna keep hating myself for now.
Unwise but it’s your life and you’ll be there when you’re ready for it
I should probably take Captain Lezbian’s advice.
Yes ma’am, I’ll work on personal growth o7
You can do it!
And fr, I still was struggling a lot after I started transitioning. Dysphoria was my biggest problem, so I was a lot happier, but it took years of work including CBT to get to where I am now.
I’m already in CBT, so that’s good. Honestly, I think my only real internal problem is my self-hatred, and the rest is environmental/situational.
I dunno. I’m gonna try being sociable irl, since that’s something I keenly miss, and I’ll keep working on moving somewhere better.
Irl socialization is absolutely vital and I’m smacking myself for forgetting to include it. Tbh it may have been more important than the CBT, it’s just that I did it alongside coming out (got involved in queer community). And if you’re transfeminine I’ll also say it’s especially good to make friends with other transfeminine people.
And yeah, no amount or self work will make you feel good in a bad environment, but it can be better and it can help you get out.
Also, it’s important to acknowledge self hate for what it is: a cognitive distortion. Maybe it’s completely unfounded, but even if there are real bad things you’ve done, self hate doesn’t make you better, it isn’t a penance, if anything it’s a distraction from becoming someone you can be proud to be.
Huh. I haven’t thought of it that way. I gotta love myself to fix myself.
Also yeah, I really want to make friends with other transfemmes. Like, that’s one of the main reasons I’d want to move to a bigger city; it’ll be easier to find people like me (autistic gay trans catgirls).
I also kinda hope that I’ll make a friend that really enjoys my company and our friendship becomes… something really special. But that’s neither here nor there.Yeah it was a hard lesson for me to learn. People only want to spend effort fixing things they think are worth fixing. If you could hate yourself better you’d have seen some improvement by now. Improving is hard and involves trying and failing. Self love is the key to not being discouraged when you face difficulties and fail.
And yeah, I’d check your area for trans support groups or meetups. Queer activism organizations like PFLAG may also be helpful. The closer to specifically trans something is the more of a red flag it is if you’re the only transfem present or there’s like one other one. Finding a bigger city is definitely going to help but you may surprise yourself, I found a good friend group when I lived in a smaller city.
And it’s fair to want a closer relationship too. Wanting a partner or best friend/sister figure is normal and these relationships are something we need to be allowed to want without shame. I have built a queer family in my life and I’m married now, and these are things that are worth fighting for. And I’m angry that there are some who try to shame my sisters who don’t have such relationships for wanting them as though our people are less human, less deserving of loving relationships.
You deserve these things, you may have to do some self work to be able to be healthy for others to have such relationships with you, or for them to want to have such a relationship with you, or maybe you’re already fine for them. But it’s just another reason to do that work, because you deserve the effort that that will take. You deserve the fruits of the internal work and of the external effort of going out and meeting people and trying to form ties with your fellow humans.
You got this sis
Thank you for talking me through this. I’m gonna try a near-ish queer group of which I know, and maybe look for something trans-specific.
Thanks again; this conversation has meant a lot to me.