Living as a target of transmisogyny has taught me the world actually wants us to hard commit to that doormat life
I feel this. Very early in my transition, a then friend, a cis woman, was initially very accepting of my being trans, offered to help, and even framed it as a “big sister” kind of relationship.
This very quickly proved to be hollow, because she would treat me as unreasonable for asking for the help she’d offered. She would regularly talk down to me, making me feel stupid for wanting to transition. At one point, I tried telling her about how I really struggled with things like clothes and makeup because not only am I trans, but I’m also colorblind, and she told me that I “shouldn’t get too invested in that stuff, because you don’t want to be some vain removed.”
And this was in between long stretches of weeks and months where she wouldn’t talk to me. I was the one who had to start every conversation, she never took an active interest in my transition, or my life, when when I tried to take an interest in hers.
And I let myself be a doormat like that for a long time, because I was so desperate for that kind of female friendship and camraderie, that she kept pantomiming to me, while treating me like shit.
And that’s still a kind of relationship I wish I had, but the whole experience has wrecked my self esteem enough, that I struggle to make connections with other women
Yeah I never experienced that because I suspected everyone who offered such things wasn’t genuine. I have awesome cis friends who are genuine allies to trans women, but I still watch myself around them to try to ensure I’m not too much of a burden. And like, my cis now ex (only broke up because I moved away) genuinely was amazing as I was learning to be more feminine in my presentation, we’d go thrifting together and she’d push me towards dresses she thought I’d look good in.
I learned how to do makeup because other trans women taught me some tricks and I experimented and figured out most of it myself (anyone reading, yeah, you can ask other trans women for advice, especially feminine ones, and transfem friends may even help you with it more). And yeah, I really wish I could’ve had a big sister friend when I was early in transition. I transitioned somewhat young (20) and was in the early wave of a lot of people transitioning, so there weren’t many slightly more experienced trans women to go around.
I’m still afraid to ask my cis friends for feminine support and the like. They offer sometimes and I take them up on it, and I’m starting to be open talking transfeminism to them, but it’s terrifying considering how many stories like yours I’ve seen. And that’s despite how much of my transition has been cis lesbians explicitly welcoming me into community.
Tbph I’ve had really good cis women in my life, but I’ve also been shut down so many times by acquaintances and strangers to know not to push myself. I’m cautious and take a long time to trust because of that, and I’ve been hurt pretty badly because of my fear of standing up for myself.
I really wish we could rely on cis women for sisterhood, but we have to be here for each other and the cis women who want to be sisters to us can come join. Not separatism, but self reliance as a community. And more importantly, making sure the trans women in our lives know they can come to us and each other for sisterhood.
Wait, we’re supposed to stop being doormsts after we transition?
Living as a target of transmisogyny has taught me the world actually wants us to hard commit to that doormat life
I feel this. Very early in my transition, a then friend, a cis woman, was initially very accepting of my being trans, offered to help, and even framed it as a “big sister” kind of relationship.
This very quickly proved to be hollow, because she would treat me as unreasonable for asking for the help she’d offered. She would regularly talk down to me, making me feel stupid for wanting to transition. At one point, I tried telling her about how I really struggled with things like clothes and makeup because not only am I trans, but I’m also colorblind, and she told me that I “shouldn’t get too invested in that stuff, because you don’t want to be some vain removed.”
And this was in between long stretches of weeks and months where she wouldn’t talk to me. I was the one who had to start every conversation, she never took an active interest in my transition, or my life, when when I tried to take an interest in hers.
And I let myself be a doormat like that for a long time, because I was so desperate for that kind of female friendship and camraderie, that she kept pantomiming to me, while treating me like shit.
And that’s still a kind of relationship I wish I had, but the whole experience has wrecked my self esteem enough, that I struggle to make connections with other women
Yeah I never experienced that because I suspected everyone who offered such things wasn’t genuine. I have awesome cis friends who are genuine allies to trans women, but I still watch myself around them to try to ensure I’m not too much of a burden. And like, my cis now ex (only broke up because I moved away) genuinely was amazing as I was learning to be more feminine in my presentation, we’d go thrifting together and she’d push me towards dresses she thought I’d look good in.
I learned how to do makeup because other trans women taught me some tricks and I experimented and figured out most of it myself (anyone reading, yeah, you can ask other trans women for advice, especially feminine ones, and transfem friends may even help you with it more). And yeah, I really wish I could’ve had a big sister friend when I was early in transition. I transitioned somewhat young (20) and was in the early wave of a lot of people transitioning, so there weren’t many slightly more experienced trans women to go around.
I’m still afraid to ask my cis friends for feminine support and the like. They offer sometimes and I take them up on it, and I’m starting to be open talking transfeminism to them, but it’s terrifying considering how many stories like yours I’ve seen. And that’s despite how much of my transition has been cis lesbians explicitly welcoming me into community.
Tbph I’ve had really good cis women in my life, but I’ve also been shut down so many times by acquaintances and strangers to know not to push myself. I’m cautious and take a long time to trust because of that, and I’ve been hurt pretty badly because of my fear of standing up for myself.
I really wish we could rely on cis women for sisterhood, but we have to be here for each other and the cis women who want to be sisters to us can come join. Not separatism, but self reliance as a community. And more importantly, making sure the trans women in our lives know they can come to us and each other for sisterhood.