I get that. I’m actually a bourbon guy. I prefer things with names like Old Tennishoe or The Devil’s Scrotum. I can absolutely stop at one or two (I do that pretty regularly) and I can do without. I just really enjoy being hammered. And I enjoy the burn of terrible bourbon. I just don’t enjoy this deep sadness lately while I do it.
I won’t deny that I’m a problem drinker.
I spent January dry just to reset and find my normal. It was really nice. I’m back to binge drinking occasionally. I used to really enjoy it but lately it’s just making me sad.
I may have to change my name to Texas Mildly Inebriated.
Right? Minute 55-60 is the 15th minute. Fuck that. If it takes that long then the team is too big for agile or the scrum master had lost control.
You’re right. The other side of that is I did a little contract work for a company that is working on software for unmanned commercial flights.
Those guys actually made me feel better. They were all super smart, meticulous, and incredibly good at their jobs. It was the first environment I’ve ever been in where I felt like I could just barely keep up. I always felt one commit away from fucking things up. So I moseyed on down the road as soon as the thing I was contracted for was finished.
It was such a cool job and they offered me a permanent place. I just couldn’t feel behind every single day for the rest of my career until my system destroyed people’s lives.
I’ve been around horses all my life and I didn’t know until I was almost 30. I think it’s only specific breeds that actually get them. It’s still wild to me because I have only seen a couple that have them.
Isn’t this literally what the Republicans said would happen if we had communism?
That is the best thing about being a contractor. There’s a bunch of shit I have to eat and they could end my contract (with penalties, I’m not stupid) but no one wants to know if whatever I’m doing is my passion. They know I’m good at what I do and I want to get paid for it.
You’re getting the big info dump. It’s not everything, but it’s a lot because this whole topic makes me feel some kind of way. This is your warning.
TL;DR: I don’t feel night and day different but my life is night and day different.
For me going on Adderall for the first time took a week or two to adjust to. I was self medicating on a crazy amount of caffeine at the time and had to taper off to a more normal amount. After that it’s like my brain got quiet. Not empty, but not the thousand competing thoughts dragging me in different directions. I already had coping mechanisms so it’s not like I did that much better. Things got easier. Even my depression subsided because I was just able to get shit done without absolutely exhausting myself and missing out on so much because I didn’t have anything left over in the tank after all the things I had to do.
Suddenly I had energy for some hobbies. I could finish writing and play music. I could learn woodworking. I could learn more than basic motorcycle maintenance. I could learn things that furthered my career. These were all things I had a basic working knowledge of or had started and given up over and over again. I published an album. I wrote for two industry publications that got a pretty wide release. I built things.
Then I went off it. I wrote awesome music that I never finished. I couldn’t build anymore, I didn’t have the focus. I started a hundred projects and despaired that I couldn’t finish shit unless my paycheck counted on it. I didn’t go back to caffeine.
Then I got on Vyvanse. I did all the cool shit I was doing before and finished my projects again. I learned how to be a DJ and how to run sound for live music. I went out and either played or DJed or KDJed 5 nights a week.
Then came the pandemic and the shortages. They’d have one medication and not the other. They’d have the wrong dose. They’d be out. So I gave up and focused on my job. I started playing video games again, which is a nice hobby because I never felt like I was fucking up by not finishing a game. I started riding my motorcycle more and found that when my attention was on not getting run over by cars my mind got quiet again. So I got a bagger as a second motorcycle and started taking longer trips. I spent time in the woods. If I was occupied trying to fish to be able to eat I could concentrate. And I worked with my therapist on more depression coping mechanisms. I forced showers if it had been longer than two days because that was always the onset of not getting out of bed. I lived and died by my notepad because my memory went to hell.
Now I’m back on Adderall XR. I just made an album worth of rock beats for a buddy because he’s recording his own album based on his own demons (he needs it too, but he’s not in a place…I know you’re reading this and I see you, friend…check our shared server storage, all of them are out there). I bought a third motorcycle last month that I’m going to fix up as a project and sell. Except what should have been six months with a dead motorcycle is almost done. I’m playing shows again. I’m running sound for a well known rock band next weekend, filling in for someone who is going on vacation.
It’s not immediately night and day for me, but I feel happier, less stressed, and quieter. So I’m able to actually do the hundred things I started ages ago. No one is waiting on me. I’m so far ahead at work that I’m not going to be doing anything but attending meetings for the next two weeks. I am accomplishing more than I could ever dream without medication.
And on the weekends it’s fun to let the chaos out. I don’t want it quiet in my brain all the time. I get creative, I try dumb shit, I drink an unhealthy amount, and I’ll come up with another bunch of things I want to try. Then I’ll get medicated and try them.
I took today off because I had a crazy weekend that I spent medicated and doing things and have no work. So I’m unmedicated today. You’re getting a big ol’ helping of unmedicated TexasDrunk. I over explained and probably did a shit job but it made me happy, so thanks for the opportunity!
I like different mes on different days. Work days I prefer medicated. Weekend days where I have a lot of activities I want to do, I prefer medicated. Any non-work day where my plans are “be in the woods”, “start drinking at noon”, or “ride the motorcycle for hours” demand an unmedicated me for maximum chaos (or absolutely nothing…I never know until it happens).
I wasn’t on medication until I was a whole ass adult. Even then I was on and off it for a while. When the shortage was at its worst the stress of finding or not knowing if I was getting medication was worse than being unmedicated so I was off it for a while then.
I like both medicated me and chaos agent me. They’re both cool guys for different reasons.
His hair is my favorite character.
I was in the military a couple of decades ago. I couldn’t even imagine what someone who is trans goes through to be in the military. That has to be a motherfucker who absolutely wants to be there.
I got the sarcasm. But I don’t know how many others would. Of course I’m the kind of person who would make that kind of dark joke.