Thank you to everyone who replied to my post last week! This past week has been a whirlwind. I’m pretty sure my egg is cracked wide open.
I devoured the Gender Dysphoria Bible, and I found myself (maybe not surprisingly) relating to not all, but a lot, of the feelings and experiences described.
As I read more about how trans women describe their experiences, the more I realize that I’ve had similar feelings for a long time. Who knew that not every man secretly wishes he was a lesbian woman? I kind of thought that everyone had these feelings, and just settled for the disappointing reality of being male.
And I’m better able to put words to the positive feelings I get from growing my hair out, painting my nails, shaving my chest and legs - it’s gender euphoria!
I feel so excited, like I finally know who I am! And I’m so eager to learn makeup, get girl clothes, etc. And I really want to go on hormones. I guess any remaining potential doubt would be erased then - if I go on hormones and start to have a really bad time, then I guess I know I’m not trans.
I did talk to my therapist, and she was so encouraging! She was completely affirming, and at the end of our session she said that she could see me as a woman, and that felt so good to hear! I get butterflies in my stomach and keep smiling when I think about it.
She did encourage me to take my time though. I’m really excited, but I am also extremely nervous and scared about how people might react, especially my wife. She’s bisexual, and she’s been really supportive of my gender exploration so far, so those are both good things. But she’s also autistic and sometimes has a hard time adapting to rapid changes.
So I feel like I need to make sure I know what I want, and that I’m able to answer any questions she might have about what my transition process is going to look like - and there are still a lot of questions I don’t have the answer to.
And I worry a lot of how my family, friends, and work might react to my coming out. I’ve spent a lot of time getting educated, getting a good job, and building a nice little life, and I don’t want to mess it all up. And unfortunately, my immediate family are all devout Catholics, so I don’t anticipate a great reaction from them…
I get my hair cut at an LGBTQ salon, and I think at least one of the stylists there is a trans woman. Would it be appropriate/inappropriate for me to ask her if I could talk to her about her experience?
I don’t know any other trans women in real life, and I think it would really help me to have someone to talk to. But I also don’t want to just dump all my burdens on someone either.
Any other advice on what I should do, or things to consider, would be really welcome - I’m just trying to figure out how I want to navigate this.
First of all, congratulations! I hope that you find the journey you are embarking on as soul-filling and effervescent as many of your trans siblings.
Coming out to my family is probably the most single difficult thing I’ve ever done. I was in a good place life-wise (financially, friends, relationships, etc), but I knew they wouldn’t understand, and would likely say some hurtful things, all of which happened. Some people prefer to deliver the message via a letter or email in order to better compose their thoughts. I really like this idea in terms of crafting the message you want to send, but I also believe that it’s an important enough matter that the people who you care most about deserve to hear about it from you first-hand (offering a letter or email after the fact to ensure your whole message gets through). Today, my family still doesn’t quite get it, but it’s no longer the anguish for them that it started as.
Be prepared for your life to change. Your good job could go away, and you could find it difficult to find a new one. That’s the situation I’ve found myself in. I thank my lucky stars I have a partner that’s willing to support me and enough of a nest-egg to get by without fearing homelessness.
As a general rule, I would flag that as inappropriate. Many many transgender women prefer to be seen as just plain old women. Approaching someone you suspect is trans and saying “Hey, I’m pretty sure I’m trans too! What up sis?? Can you help me?” has a high likelihood of making that person feel less like a woman (like any other) and more like a trans woman. Now it’s also equally likely that they won’t find it inappropriate at all and would delight in the opportunity to help you. You never know; people are all different. If I were in your shoes there, I’d talk to my regular stylist (the person who usually works with you) and let them know where you’re at regarding your gender identity, and you’d like your hair to reflect that, but you’re totally new to this, probably need a lot of help and aren’t sure how to even ask for help. Let them know when you book your appointment that you want to do something new with your gender expression and would like help with it. Chances are that your regular stylist knows more about their coworker and how they prefer to be interacted with. Again, as a general rule, don’t single out trans people for being trans; treat them they way they prefer to be treated and (if they want to) they will gravitate to you.
That said, you will definitely want to find some transgender friends. These will be people you can commiserate with, ask for favors, teach you about blue eye-shadow, all that nonsense. This could be tricky though, as there aren’t a ton of common socialization venues just for trans folks. If you’re in a reasonable-sized city, there’s probably a queer resource center or website that you can start from. See if they have a bulletin board where people post meet-ups or activities that you can jump in on. Also, it may be a little scary, but look at starting one on your own! What are your interests and hobbies? If there isn’t already a queer group for your activity of choice, make it! Queer and queer ally bowling team, or biking club, or movie fans, or sports, or whatever. Discord servers are popular these days, but finding people you can hang out with in meat space can’t be replaced.
Oh, and hey, your lemmy friends are here to help too. <3
This is what I’m most afraid of. I know my wife will support me, even if she might struggle with the changes. And her family are more open-minded - at the very least, I think they would have the decency to not talk shit to my face.
My family, though. My brother that I’m closest with has said some transphobic things to me in the past, and the Catholic Church is not exactly the bastion of trans rights. And they’re all intense Catholics, so I’m very worried about how they’ll react. I hate that I have this knot in my stomach, that I have to worry if my family is going to abandon me because I want to be who I really am
I really like the idea of a conversation followed up by a letter! I feel like that would let me make sure I say everything I want to say, how I want to say it, in a form they can keep going back to to reread as much as they need.
I am blessed with a great partner who I know would support me, and we could get by without my income, but I also would prefer to keep my job! I like it and think I’m good at it, and even if it is a more conservative field (utilities), I do live in a purple state that has pretty good LGBTQ anti-discrimination laws.
Good to know! I’ll follow your advice and talk with my usual stylist and go from there.
And I am fortunate to live in a smallish city that does have an LGBTQ resource center (that I’ve heard is quite good), and there’s a larger city that I know has a good community only about 45 minutes away. The one here actually has a TTRPG night every few weeks, and that’s already one of my hobbies!
I also love gardening, art, and sustainability stuff in general, so maybe there’s a chance I could start a queer community garden or something like that!
Thank you so much 💛 it means a lot to get support from this community, and I really really appreciate it