there is an anxiety in my trans circles that the future might become worse, that access to surgery, new passports and stuff might become harder. i feel like i should hurry to get shit done.

but i can’t. it took sooo long until i knew for sure, i wanted to go on hrt. i am now and it’s great. not for the reasons i imagined, but for all the small things i never thought about. yet i don’t know what i want my name to be. it is such a hard question for me. i start to rethink sexuality aswell esp. since my libido seems to have vanished under estrogen. this i like also. but what does it say about my sexual identity? or my gender identity? will there be a point at which i want a bottom surgery? there are so many questions that i can’t answer (yet).

meanwhile the whole world seems to demand these answers and wants them to align with their cis-het assumptions. health care wants me to display a binary persona for access to hrt (i played the part), and surgery. my aunt immediately fantasized about me “certainly” looking for a man to have a family with. everyone really wats to have an update on how to handle me. no ambiguity.

i realised that in my trans specific therapy group i get quiet and anxious when they are all discussing hospitals, doctors, procedures and all the technicalities. i feel like i am behind. always behind. i haven’t done my homework. i didn’t know forever that i was a girl. i don’t know today. i’m just starting to get a sense of self. something that was shattered and buried through thorough suppression. i am putting together fragments like an archeologist. but being trans is in a way still just a working hypothesis. it’s highly plausible, but i can’t see the bigger picture yet.

i am afraid, that all of this will take me too long, that i will have to jump over new hurdles, or old ones, like when the rubber stamps from my therapist will be too old. i feel like i have to figure out myself now. i feel alone with that. even in self help, and therapy groups everyone is always so sure about themselves. just not me. i should seek out enby groups maybe? plz hit me up, if you ever felt this way too. 😥

  • dandelion (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    3·
    16 days ago

    i realised years ago, that i actually didn’t want others to interact too much with or focus on my parts during sex

    you should know this is stereotypical bottom dysphoria, e.g. Stone Butch Blues - the idea of being “stone” had to do with not wanting someone to interact with your genitals during sex (more common in trans men than in butch lesbians, hence “stone butch” was that line crossing over into trans territory)

    • kluczyczka (she/her)@discuss.tchncs.deOPEnglish
      2·
      15 days ago

      i had a quick look around, i am a bit scared of the book now. do you know a good discussion of it msybe?

      thanks though, this might help me a little to come closer.

      • dandelion (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        2·
        15 days ago

        I wouldn’t recommend reading Stone Butch Blues - it’s traumatizing and not particularly affirming

        I’ve already shared the relevant part from that book. I suggest you read a lot more about trans experience - I have a list I can put together if you’d like.