I’m curious if other autistic trans people have similar experiences. Although looking back there were clear signs, I never had that “aha” moment until my 30s. I always knew something was wrong but could never place my finger on it. I also have bad interoception, which is apparently common in autistic people.
I’m the same, I always knew something was wrong but could never figure out what it was. I’m also bi and have ADHD, and didn’t really have the framework to understand any of what I was going through as a kid, so I ended up with like 5 layers of masking with my gender identity at the bottom. I didn’t realize I was trans until after I accepted my ADHD and got it diagnosed and medicated, accepted I’m bi despite my feelings towards men (messy complex negative feelings), accepted being autistic and really understood what autism is, and finally realized I’m trans on an acid trip in my 30s. There were so many times when, in hindsight, I know what I was feeling was gender dysphoria, but in the moment there was no way for me to identify it so I just felt like shit and didn’t know why. But yeah I barely remember my childhood outside a few major events and the general vibe. Part of me doesn’t want to remember.
Yea, I’m definitely fortunate in a weird way that I reached a decidedly unhinged decision while in very poor mental health to try transitioning as my last attempt at happiness in life.
Disclaimer: I’ve never attempted to get a professional diagnosis but I have my suspicions. Might give it a try once my country gets through its current “Let’s put all the neurodivergent people on a list” phase.
I have a similar experience, didn’t really have any inklings til my early 30s. I grew up in a culture that enforced the “boys don’t cry” rule so I learned to hide my feelings, including from myself. Looking back, I can remember some things that were definitely signs, but it took decades to put them together. I also don’t remember a lot of my childhood. Like, multi-year spans where I can’t recall a single thing that happened. I think that lack of memory formation makes it a lot harder to get enough data to identify a pattern.
Checking in: yeah. The “aha” took a whole bunch of memes and stories I could relate to that pointed out the behavior I dismissed while growing up. I thought I was just depressed or something and buried thoughts about being a woman as impossible or just some fetish. Introspection getting better (mostly from therapy) and getting out of survival mode gave me the space and tools I needed to actually figure it out.
Anyway, I’m happier in the back half of my 30s than I’ve ever been since I’ve transitioned, even on my worst days.
I suspect autistic people having bad introspection is directly related to why so many of us are queer. If you don’t figure out these things about yourself until later in life, then you’re more likely to have kids, gain financial independence, and survive than queer people who figure things out early and need to suffer the bigotry and oppression when they’re most vulnerable. Just live the beginning part of your life as “normal” and you won’t get stoned to death before you’ve had time to establish safety. I also think a lot of people who live in oppressive environments for their entire lives remain totally closeted and miserable instead of ever feeling safe enough to come out.
I’m curious if other autistic trans people have similar experiences. Although looking back there were clear signs, I never had that “aha” moment until my 30s. I always knew something was wrong but could never place my finger on it. I also have bad interoception, which is apparently common in autistic people.
I’m the same, I always knew something was wrong but could never figure out what it was. I’m also bi and have ADHD, and didn’t really have the framework to understand any of what I was going through as a kid, so I ended up with like 5 layers of masking with my gender identity at the bottom. I didn’t realize I was trans until after I accepted my ADHD and got it diagnosed and medicated, accepted I’m bi despite my feelings towards men (messy complex negative feelings), accepted being autistic and really understood what autism is, and finally realized I’m trans on an acid trip in my 30s. There were so many times when, in hindsight, I know what I was feeling was gender dysphoria, but in the moment there was no way for me to identify it so I just felt like shit and didn’t know why. But yeah I barely remember my childhood outside a few major events and the general vibe. Part of me doesn’t want to remember.
Are you me? Gosh it’s like I’m reading a comment I wrote and forgot about!
Yea, I’m definitely fortunate in a weird way that I reached a decidedly unhinged decision while in very poor mental health to try transitioning as my last attempt at happiness in life.
As it turns out girl me is very happy.
omg same. I was like “no way transitioning solves all these mental problems,” and while it didn’t solve them, it did make it a hell of a lot easier.
Yaaaaassss
Disclaimer: I’ve never attempted to get a professional diagnosis but I have my suspicions. Might give it a try once my country gets through its current “Let’s put all the neurodivergent people on a list” phase.
I have a similar experience, didn’t really have any inklings til my early 30s. I grew up in a culture that enforced the “boys don’t cry” rule so I learned to hide my feelings, including from myself. Looking back, I can remember some things that were definitely signs, but it took decades to put them together. I also don’t remember a lot of my childhood. Like, multi-year spans where I can’t recall a single thing that happened. I think that lack of memory formation makes it a lot harder to get enough data to identify a pattern.
Checking in: yeah. The “aha” took a whole bunch of memes and stories I could relate to that pointed out the behavior I dismissed while growing up. I thought I was just depressed or something and buried thoughts about being a woman as impossible or just some fetish. Introspection getting better (mostly from therapy) and getting out of survival mode gave me the space and tools I needed to actually figure it out.
Anyway, I’m happier in the back half of my 30s than I’ve ever been since I’ve transitioned, even on my worst days.
I suspect autistic people having bad introspection is directly related to why so many of us are queer. If you don’t figure out these things about yourself until later in life, then you’re more likely to have kids, gain financial independence, and survive than queer people who figure things out early and need to suffer the bigotry and oppression when they’re most vulnerable. Just live the beginning part of your life as “normal” and you won’t get stoned to death before you’ve had time to establish safety. I also think a lot of people who live in oppressive environments for their entire lives remain totally closeted and miserable instead of ever feeling safe enough to come out.