Around other people!

Edited a few times for formatting, clarity, wording etc…

For context: my spouse found a coffee and chat group for learning sign language. They are going deaf and I would like to learn while they can still hear. This group largely consisted of an LGBTQ+ group that met for their own coffee and chat scheduled right before the ASL group meets. We have befriended many of them and were invited to join the earlier group. We’ve met tons of great people over the last year.

I’ve been exploring things for awhile now and I finally came to the conclusion on being trans. My… wife? (they’ve also been exploring things and have recently come to the conclusion they are non-vinary. Still feminine presenting and have been trying out being more masculine and more feminine on different days, neither here nor there sorry for the rabbit trail I’m just excited) but my spouse is fully supportive and has been encouraging me to try on various bits of clothing to find my size (luckily we are similarly built in a few areas that makes sharing some clothes easier) and I have been looking at various things to find my own style.

I have 0 style, at least when it comes to matching colors and vibes. I just wear what I like, whether the colors clash or not or whether the styles match or not. Part of that is low budget for clothing. My male clothes have always been “as needed and wait until they’re unwearable in public” before replacing, but I don’t think that will be the case with my feminine clothing. I don’t want anything to get messed up and I have been having to stop myself from going on online shopping sprees the last few days. I have always hated shopping for m*le clothing, but I have been looking at so many different kinds of women’s clothing I am getting a little overwhelmed. I haven’t measured myself for anything in years since I had been trying to repress things and have put on some weight.

To the point of the post:

I bought a black “skater skirt” since it was stretchy enough to get over my (let’s be honest, larger than healthy) thighs and stomach. Also a pair of black tights, and a pair of silicone “bra buds” to give my (overweight) chest a bump up in cup size. I put it on, did my hair a bit (I have slightly curly hair and have no idea what to do with it beyond shampoo and conditioner every 2-3 days) and we left the house. My spouse assured me I looked cute, and we met some LGBTQ+ friends at a diner and went hammocking in the park. I don’t have a shirt that fits yet, my spouse has always been a “jeans and a t-shirt” person except special occasions.

I am still pretty new to trying to present as a woman, and after today I’m more certain than ever. I could barely talk in the diner since I was scared someone would hear my voice and become a problem. Yay rural Ohio. My face is already masculine enough, I don’t have makeup and have an obvious shadow. Can’t shave since I get really bad ingrown hairs that get infected, so I use an electric shaver on my face that gets very close but not close enough to allow ingrown hairs.

I didn’t get a chance to look at myself in the mirror (had a friend stand guard at the restroom to change, phobic roommates meant I can’t leave the house in girlmode while they’re here) and when I got home I managed to sneak inside and went to the bathroom. I cried for a few minutes. I don’t think I look “feminine” per-se but oh my god I finally felt right. None of the other people in the group said anything other than one NB/tmasc who said they loved my necklace (cheap trans flag with a moon a friend got me awhile back)

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff who isn’t my spouse and knows everything so I’m sorry if I’m gushing but I’m just so happy after today. Nobody said anything to me, but a few people were staring just a little bit too long for comfort.

We are meeting with a friend later this week to work on makeup, and have loose plans to get nails done in the next 2 weeks. I cannot wait!

I have always been one of those “everyone wants to be a girl, that’s just how all boys feel, right?” kind of people, and used to sneak into my sister’s room after laundry day and snag a couple items before she got home and put them away and it always made me happy, so honestly I should have come to the realization a lot sooner, but I grew up in a super religious house and even the thought one of their children might be gay sent my parents into a spiral when my sister “spent too long in the bathroom with a friend” (she IS bi but on this particular day was just having extreme endometriosis issues with a sympathetic straight friend)

For awhile I had just convinced myself I’m just a shitty person and it’s just a fetish

<TMI, possible TW for anatomy>

since I would sometimes get erections when I dressed up and while it happens less often, it still happens sometimes and I’m still not feeling great about that but from the trans women I’ve been talking to lately, that’s not uncommon at first. I can’t speak for anyone else and only some have told me they had the same/similar experience.

but conversations with many trans people over the last year have put to rest many of my concerns and explained many of my feelings.

So now, after many long days and nights of figuring things out, many tears through many years, never fully fitting in, I am ready to say it.

I am a woman. Hello, world!