Disclaimer: I hope that all of this stuff that I typed makes sense, I’m quite stoned while typing this.
Well, so I’m quite new to HRT (now almost 3 Months) and the emotional changes are pretty much kicking in and I really like them so far (guys are pretty cute now too. That shit is wild), but this made me realise how much I would have enjoyed going through this puberty when I was younger. That’s also coppeled with how much I hated my puberty, not because of the changes, but because I experienced quite a lot of mobbing. This is like a very big between what I had (getting mobbed as a guy) and what I could have had (girls sleepovers and discussing cute guys and dressing each other up) which makes me hella Dysphoric. I also dont really have that much girls as friends. I have two other trans girls, but it is about a 1,5h ride to them so we barely meet up, and like 1 or 2 people that I can interact with that are girls. However, they are both about 15 years older than me. I also dont really see them that often (sadly). So I Am mostly experiencing my puberty alone or talking about it with friends on discord calls. However, I can’t really talk about this while one of the transfem friends is in the call, since she is painfully depressed and not on HRT yet, since she wants her semen to be frozen and the process is a complete disarster and it will only be covered by insurance if its done before HRT. So she always gets hella depressed/Dysphoric when I tell about what HRT is like.
Its kind of a shit situation, but it could be worse.
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You might have enjoyed going through it with an adult brain when you were younger because you can rationalise what’s happening to you. But, I have a daughter going through it at the moment and it’s miserable for her and everyone around her child brains are not good at handling it. When I think back to that age the girls in my class were a fucking mess. Constantly getting into fights and slapping each other over misunderstandings etc it was no better when the boys started (whole lot worse actually). But first puberty is miserable no matter what your gender
Fair enough. That’s probably kind if true.
So true, though I think cis people often fail to recognize how awful going through the wrong puberty is, and get it conflated with how their cis puberty was.
Cis puberty may be a difficult and awkward time, but rarely does it leave cis people wanting to not live a single day of their lives or permanently crippled with depression and anxiety.
I wonder how your perspective will shift once you start estrogen.
Well rather than internalise my problems I focused it outward. So rather than being suicidal I’ve had to learn to live with constant homicidal rage. I’m looking forward to hopefully loosing that before I release mustard gas into the neighbours apartment.
I also had some of those feelings, but at the root for me I think it was motivated from a desire to not be alive anymore. Every time a conflict broke out (in Syria or Ukraine), I wanted to go to the frontlines. I’m not a soldier nor would I be a good one, but I noticed those feelings went away after estrogen. It’s like it fixed my brain and made me shockingly normal.
That would be lovely! I expend most of my mental energy staying outwardly calm and would like it if just once I was inwardly calm.
Yeah it feels good in large part because we know how awful puberty can be. That being said, when I started hrt I did notice myself getting into stupid emotional fights with my mom (I lived at home at the time)
My wife says living with me during second puberty is like living with a teenage girl lol
Mobbing is called bullying in english, btw!
I’m very sorry for your friend :(
And yeah, it sucks. It feels like a lot of my life post puberty was just sorta wasted in many ways, but I try to focus on living my life as best as I can today
Haha, yeah as German I had a big laugh. Imaging people wanting you to join their mafia.
thank you, I didn’t know what mobbing was but I inferred it was shitty boy behavior
(for me, my male friends when I was a teenager had a habit of punching you in the testes for “fun”; at some point having male friends made me pretty depressed and feeling unsafe … )
Was stoned while typing that, so that’s why I made the mistake.
you were more coherent than you think 😄 (Though I also studied a lot of German, so maybe this is bias on my end?)
I had pretty immense grief in the first year of transition.
I just have to live for my present and future, though - and appreciate that I didn’t wait longer to finally transition. Realizing that I’m only going to get older, that right now is the youngest I’ll be, can be clarifying in terms of priorities.
I mostly had female friends in high school, but it’s hard to be friends with women when you’re perceived as a straight guy. So that social alienation from women was also a part of my growing up and adulthood. Basically my adulthood was very blackpilled and mostly about wishing and waiting to die. Estrogen was like starting my life for the first time. Once you start to pass and be accepted by cis women, it gets easier to socialize and make friends. Just keep going - it gets so much better.
One strategy I’ve seen trans women take IRL is to get more involved in kink and ethical non-monogamy spaces where there are lots of queer women - this seems to have become a basis of making friends and developing a sense of community. Spend time in queer spaces, esp. early in transition. Get out there, go make friends. :-)
This was something I experienced as well, the dysphoria shifting as soon as the most pressing stuff was out of the way. Before HRT, all I could think about was going on HRT and experiencing the body changes. Then, I started to mourn first puberty just like you’re doing right now. I got over that and then bottom dysphoria got so much worse. Priorities change, I guess. But the good thing is that they keep changing and whatever’s #1 on your mind right now might not be a concern at all in a year (or less).
i don’t think that’s unusual. i started having this feeling when i moved in my early twenties and started living openly gay. i mourned the teen-years i missed. now i wonder what my twenties would have looked like, when i would heve had more clearvoyance back then, and would have realised i was trans. i sometimes feel a bit jealous for younger people, who accepted themselves earlier. that’s ugly. very ugly. but i’m also happy to see this happen. that more younger people got the courage now.
it seems always too late. but don’t let the romanticised version of ‘youth’ like it is displayed in various media get too much in your head. it’s just that a youth written by melancholic adults.
people say the older you get, the better it gets. you know yourself better, meet people, that know themselves better. i guess love gets less chaotic and more honest. (afaik it really does.) make it happen now! you are at uni, i remember? join some clubs that have an equal or bigger percentage of women (i did with theater) you will find yourself some more friends. :)
Yeah, it sucks missing out on the childhood you wanted. But there’s no reason you can’t do the things now! I know people sometimes look down on the “baby trans” phase, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I love going out in a ridiculous outfit and too much makeup. I even got scolded for wearing a skirt that was too short :3
It’s worth putting in the effort to make friends with more women locally, too. HRT will make it progressively easier as your appearance changes.
yo that sperm freezing thing, I just did it this week (but I haven’t paid its medical bill because insurance is slow) through GiveLegacy which kinda just does everything thru the mail.
I think she’s in Germany FYI, not sure if GiveLegacy is regional but thought it was worth pointing out
