Lived for like 18 years thinking it was just a “fetish” and it will eventually stop. Meanwhile I was increasingly depressed of the fact that I wasn’t born a girl but also “surely is an obsession I can’t control” to the point that in retrospective doesn’t make a lot of sense. Let’s say trans people aren’t well perceived here (or represented) so, internalized transphobia did it’s part too. Was due an MLP Fanfic that I had to confront myself and it took me like another two or three years of internal conflict to accept that, in fact, if my three genie wished are “being born a girl” and the button press between “a billion” and “being a girl” were always the same and indeed it was not a very cis thing think, then I might be trans.
Now I’m utterly afraid of the process of HRT, its outcome (not passing) and the immediate social, physical and mental danger it poses nowadays.
But at least I know the root of all my anxiety, depression, and what later on learnt was called “dysphoria”.
and the immediate social, physical and mental danger it poses nowadays.
If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been on HRT for over 2 years and the only person who I’ve clearly male-failed to while at work is a chaser delivery person. If others have noticed, they’ve never said or done anything to suggest they do. And I don’t exactly put much effort into hiding it. YMMV, but you have at least some time.
Lived for like 18 years thinking it was just a “fetish” and it will eventually stop. Meanwhile I was increasingly depressed of the fact that I wasn’t born a girl but also “surely is an obsession I can’t control” to the point that in retrospective doesn’t make a lot of sense. Let’s say trans people aren’t well perceived here (or represented) so, internalized transphobia did it’s part too. Was due an MLP Fanfic that I had to confront myself and it took me like another two or three years of internal conflict to accept that, in fact, if my three genie wished are “being born a girl” and the button press between “a billion” and “being a girl” were always the same and indeed it was not a very cis thing think, then I might be trans.
Now I’m utterly afraid of the process of HRT, its outcome (not passing) and the immediate social, physical and mental danger it poses nowadays.
But at least I know the root of all my anxiety, depression, and what later on learnt was called “dysphoria”.
If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been on HRT for over 2 years and the only person who I’ve clearly male-failed to while at work is a chaser delivery person. If others have noticed, they’ve never said or done anything to suggest they do. And I don’t exactly put much effort into hiding it. YMMV, but you have at least some time.
Thank you, I appreciate it <3