The cis urge to get addicted to trans memes™!

I remember as a child wanting to dress as a girl. This was met with violent rejection by my family for the most part. I learned quickly as my personality was forming that parts of it were dangerous and scary, and to never show those parts. As I grew media showed me that Trans people were at best mentally ill, but most often paraded as sick, dangerous freaks. I felt like girls were more interesting, but I was just a boy.

I identified as male most of my life, but I resented it. Men just dont look good, arent interesting to look at, so what’s the point of nice clothes? Male spaces are toxic, sports are boring, but of course im a guy so im not allowed in the girl spaces I wish I could be in. When I was a teenager I discovered anime, specifically ranma 1/2, and holy shit did i wish I could just turn into a girl. Still a guy though.

Everything developed into fetishism, because I learned that what I was feeling and doing was perverted. And the only spaces where it was expressed was through kinky spaces. I got lucky in that I found a long-term relationship that allowed me to express myself, and explore the feminine part of me. But I was still a guy.

As an adult I was vaguely dissatisfied with things. I was in a great relationship, still am. But I hated playing, dressing up or whatever because I would always have to put it away to go out into the real world. I remember my spouse once asked me how I felt during a scene, am I a boy or a girl in the moment? and I was annoyed because the thought I had was that im a girl, always a girl. Still didnt get it.

One day im driving along having a conversation with myself as I do when im driving. It was a conversation I’ve had many times wondering about certain quirks of my creative process. But this time a little subconcious voice popped into my head to answer. It said “maybe you do that because its the only time you can ever feel entirely like a girl.” And i said, “what?” And my subconscious said, “okay bye!” As thousands of connections hit all at once in my brain.

Now I know, but im terrified of it. Im middle aged, and my whole life Trans people were freaks. Thats obviously wrong, but I chose the worst time to figure it out. Because the country i live in has decided to use Trans kids as a bludgeom of what’s wrong with society. Im trying to live more authentically but I feel isolated. Therapy is helping, and I recommend it if you can get access to help. But I have a lifetime of toxicity to unravel.

I don’t really have much to say here because i don’t like the term “woman” for myself … it feels totally wrong that there are such categories as “men” and “women” in the first place. It’s like a whole artificial divide for no fucking reason. People are just fucking dumb. (No insult to you or anything, just a general vent)

Anyways, i think of people more as a “feature vector” and the things that are important to me are efficiency, not being bold/arrogant, and most importantly not being a fucking huge asshole.

Since “men” in today’s society is mostly defined as “somebody who is being an asshole intentionally for no fucking reason”, well, that’s not what i identify as.

through the last of my high school years I just began to feel like shit, very depressed. couldn’t put a reason to why or how, so I never got help for it. my thoughts became dangerous but I couldn’t just… leave I had people that needed me and loved me too much for that. but still… it never changed the fact that I felt like I was living in third person.

traditional “guy” friendships were ones I never understood. I always had an easier time talking with girls my age, and especially when I clarified that I was aroace. I’m lucky that barrier could be broken from the get-go, but I still didn’t feel complete.

in the mirror, I never saw a person that I actually loved. no matter what I wore or how I styled my facial/head hair, I was always doing it for someone else. I was trying to emulate what should’ve looked good, not what made me feel good.

seeing the hatred around trans people sprouting up around the U.S., I never understood it. my logic was, if they aren’t hurting anyone, why is it an issue? and also being glad I wasn’t being subjected to that hate. still… seeing other MTFs… no. that can’t be me. I wouldn’t even look good as a girl. I already look too masc. where would I start? that would uproot everything in my life. there’s too much to lose…

I put up a good (bad?) fight. I suppressed those thoughts for nearly three years. nonetheless, two months after I turned 18, I was up far too late in the night and I tried on some different clothes. from there, it all came crashing down.

and now here I am. shaky, but sure of myself.

:3

I was viciously transed against my will by TotallyNotJessica’s memes.

I actually just let myself try being the slightest bit femme “just to see how I’d feel” and it felt so good it shattered my whole conception of myself.

Was talking with a classmate and we were discussing sexuality, especially mine. We came to the conclusion that I am pansexual. Then she asked me a question about gender and that’s when it all crashed. Now I’m slowly but surely transitioning.

It was when Madeline from celeste taught me how to dash twice

I was 36 and saw a random Discord message talking about how they “were male due to momentum” and said to myself “hey that’s me!” By the time I had finished that thought I was ready to slam my head through my door, how could I have been so blind? So within a week I had checked the info I needed and ordered gel and started my journey. It’s been a few years now and I’m happier and healthier than ever, really just wish I had started earlier, but oh well.

I spent a lot of my life not really liking my body and feeling ambivalent about relationships and love nothing really did anything for me.

While i was working graveyard shift at a retirement home i was helping one of my residents get to bed and she pulled me aside she brought back plastic beads for all the caregivers, she put them on me tilted her head and said wow that’s beautiful.

It was like getting hit by a truck i had to leave i was so flustered it felt like my face was melting and my heart wouldn’t stop racing.

It took a lot after that for me to realize the full extent and getting on meds for diabetes helped a lot with other stuff that had been missed but i still think about that simple compliment.

I microdosed some LSD while home alone one night and decided I needed to shave my face. Looked in the mirror once I was done and thought “oh wow, she looks nice :)” and then proceeded to softlock myself for 5 minutes

Called a friend who is also trans immediately after at like 2AM in a panic and she helped talk me through my thoughts and feelings, and within a couple weeks I managed to accept it

Anyway, several years later and now we’re dating and live together and very very gay :3

I spent my life thinking I should have been a girl/woman. One day I realised I was.

Of course, it was a bit more of a journey than that makes it sound, but that’s the gist of it

When I worked in retail some customers would approach me from the back to ask me something and because I have long hair they would call me “moça” (miss or lady in portuguese) before seeing my face. It made me feel a sparkle inside me and I started questioning myself.

Lived for like 18 years thinking it was just a “fetish” and it will eventually stop. Meanwhile I was increasingly depressed of the fact that I wasn’t born a girl but also “surely is an obsession I can’t control” to the point that in retrospective doesn’t make a lot of sense. Let’s say trans people aren’t well perceived here (or represented) so, internalized transphobia did it’s part too. Was due an MLP Fanfic that I had to confront myself and it took me like another two or three years of internal conflict to accept that, in fact, if my three genie wished are “being born a girl” and the button press between “a billion” and “being a girl” were always the same and indeed it was not a very cis thing think, then I might be trans.

Now I’m utterly afraid of the process of HRT, its outcome (not passing) and the immediate social, physical and mental danger it poses nowadays.

But at least I know the root of all my anxiety, depression, and what later on learnt was called “dysphoria”.

Actual trans knowledge: About 7 or 8 years ago I found an egg discord and hung out there learning until I was sure I had the right answer.

Earliest major clue: Saw Beetlejuice when I was 6 and really wanted to try on the red dress Lydia wears at the climax of the film. That night while I was lying in bed, moonlight falling through lacy curtains cast a shadow on my arm that looked like a long black lace glove, and I was absolutely fascinated by it.

I’m a child of moonshadow.

i figured it out that i wasn’t happy with my gender in middle school, but i also didn’t really have the words for it, plus the stigma and family pressure was such that at the time that i decided to just repress and focus on studies/career. it didn’t help that the environment in both the college i went to and the career i picked trended towards the conservative and misogynistic.

i survived mentally via escapism, playing female characters in stuff like wow helped a lot. after graduating, moving to a new city, and working for like a decade i finally started to realize how depressed i was and started transition.

by that time i had got more involved with my local anarchists and i was good friends with a really cool trans woman that i met through organizing and she really helped pull me out of denial.

i never really trusted the medical system and would never be particularly honest with doctors, especially male ones. eventually my comrade pointed out that i could just walk into a clinic and get a prescription with informed consent, so i did! it only took me like 20 years.