Tl; dr: Had a discussion with my parents, that resulted in them spitting one hell of a lot of transphobic shit, and I ended up harming myself a bit because of it (nothing serious though, just hurt myself without injuring).
So two yesterday they (or I, I dont know anymore) brought me being trans up again. This the resulted in an about 20 minute long discussion, that derailed quite fast. They know that I want to start HRT (but dont know, that I gonna start DIY soon), and are absolutely no fans of it. They did told me in the past, that they belief, that I got talked into it and that I should wait with HRT until I finish university. It was hurtful, but not so bad, that I couldnt handle it. So anyways, back on topic. The topic quickly turned to HRT and they said, that I should be careful, because my mother saw a video of people who regretted it due to health issues. So I basically gave them a short info about what risks exist, how you monitor them, why the pill is more dangerous and why monotherapy is basically harmless. Do you think, these fuckers remembered a single word out of it? No, they didnt. They literally said “You dont know what risks exist”, after i fucking explained all of them. They also brought out the ultimative counterargument “You dont know if you arent one of those people who have complications”. Yeah. What the fuck? They completely ignored all the shit I said. They also told me, numerous times, that I got talked into it. Either by the Internet, then by the political leftwing party Im part of and then by my social circle. When I explained, that literally no one spoke with me about it ever, they said “But those circles are are quite into the ‘trans hype’”. I explained to them what dysphoria feels like for me (hating yourself and how you are seen) and got “That sounds like you learned that by heart” as a response. They equated me being trans with my old hobbies, that I no longer have a big interest in, or with “Back then fashion xyz was very in”. They also told me, that since I havent “lived as a man and exerted masculinity” (which they equate with sex, while they are technically right its actually a very wild assumption to make) I should try that first and see if I like it, before becoming a woman. The last thing that my dad brought up was the worst of all. He said, that for him this thought “I want to be a woman” does not exist (yeah kinda normal for a cis person was my first thought), BECAUSE “nature did not intended this and only made two genders”. I literally felt physical pain hearing this. DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE, WHAT SEAHORSES AND CLOWNFISHES DO? That statement could not be wrong any more. The discussion ended after that and I sent my father a documentary about Queerness in the animal world.
They also said quite a lot of other shit too, but that would require to much explanatory work, but I guess you can imagine how much better it made everything for me (it didnt).
The worst thing is, that they legitimately think, that they are doing good things to me. They always tell me “We accept you and dont want to talk you out of it, but want to give you “thought provoking impulses” to prevent you from something you might regret”. I dont think I have to explain it any more, right?
Fast Forward a couple hours. I am lying in bed just chilling and I could feel the dysphoria creeping up on me, as I thought about that discussion again. While the dysphoria was not the worst I ever experienced it still caused quite some physical pain for me. It also newly introduced me to the feeling of absolutely fucking hating my body. I had such an intense disgust for it, I never experienced before. At some point, I realised that I still had a scissor lying next to me, that I used to clean of the dirt below my fingernails. I also realised, that a scissor can be used to hurt yourself without cutting you (or causing any damage to the skin), by stabbing yourself with it or scratching yourself really hard. While the pain this resulted in, was nowhere near being enough to minimise the pain my dysphoria caused, it made my desire to destroy this disgusting body I had to be born into even worse. I then quickly realised, that this isnt that much of a healthy mindset and instead tried to fall asleep (didnt go that well, but ended up working at some point).
I am so insanely frustrating. We are having the same dumb discussions for months now (but usually not nearly as bad as this one), and they seem to not understand a single thing. They say the same stupid shit every single time. It makes me wanting to stay away from them even worse, but sadly I cant really stay away from them 100% of the time. This discussion also made me really scare for when they are going to find out, that I am doing DIY. Are they gonna kick me out? Idk, but I hope they dont. They also made me reconsider starting DIY, not because I dont want to or think its risky, but simply because Im scard of them finding out (dont worry tho, I will do it, but they made me reconsider for a short time). I am also not looking forward to when I gonna force them to use my new name and pronouns in November. This will probably spark one hell of a lot of discussions that will all go horrible.
I am 100% going to contact one of the near trans “Help/Info Organisations” and ask them if they have anything, that might help them to get more accepting, because it cant continue like this.
they are 1.000% in denial, don’t want to know and are angry about it. They clearly did something wrong and don’t want others to see that they did so they try to prevent you from going through with your plan. The thought of that you are serious about it apparently sets in, otherwise they wouldn’t increase their hostility. I hope they will get around and accept you as you are.
But in the end, its your life, your existential needs are above others in this situation.
The worst thing is, that they legitimately think, that they are doing good things to me.
they are bargaining.
I wish you a lot of strength.
First of all, hugs, and you are strong for standing up to yourself. I’m proud of you.
These parents did not respond in good faith, because they do not assume you know what you’re doing. It is precisely because you’re the most involved in it, that you know what to do; and precisely because only you can know yourself truly. They have fallen victim to scare propaganda from the far right, I’m afraid. A core element of that is pure fearmongering.
I wish I could be as a replacing parent for so many of these people… that said;
“Nature” as he claims, is incorrect; mushrooms have thousands of genders, gay sheep exist aplenty, and it has been fine since forever. It is more unnatural to force people into a box.
You should not reconsider doing DIY simply because your parents harass you into doing so. You are your own person and the mistake your parents make, is projecting an image onto their child. When you ‘subscribe’ to a child, you subscribe to a new person, not a slave or clone.
If they accepted you, they shouldn’t have tried talking you out of it.
I’m encouraging ya to contact those trans help organisations - best is the grassroots ones organised by trans people themselves! They got experience.
Hugs and have all the colours in the world to give. 💕🏳️🌈 🏳️⚧️
best is the grassroots ones organised by trans people themselves! They got experience.
Not in the US, and they dont speak english that well, but I just sent out the E-Mail to one of those organisations.
And of course thank you for your kind words.
I’m sorry! Try not to let people get to you like that! You don’t have to win any arguments because you don’t need anyone’s permission. You don’t need their acceptance or support if they don’t actually have any to offer. There is a world of folks out there who will accept you.
I know how hard it is to feel secure enough to be the source of your own affirmation early on but do try to find it within yourself. If you can’t find that security, then let go of the need for it and just follow your heart. We are all winging it through life anyway, so go ahead with the DIY. Keep it somewhere safe at your university or at a friend’s place in a lockbox. You said, “no one spoke with me about it ever.” If you don’t have trans friends in your life yet, go find some at those organizations you mentioned. The trans organization in my city has lockers available for people with problematic parents.
If you feel like you have to self-harm again, try to put it off for a little while. You can always do that later, right? Try to put the sharp thing away too. If you can’t quit thinking about self-harming, try instead to let the thoughts pass by without interacting with them. Just breath, let the thought come, and let the thought go. There’s enough suffering in that moment, so just be with it.
By the way, the whole nature isn’t queer thing was a total cover-up. The old explorers knew nature was queer as fuck and hid the information to deliberately create ignorance. Now we have to deal with their mess hundreds of years later.
You said, “no one spoke with me about it ever.” If you don’t have trans friends in your life yet, go find some at those organizations you mentioned.
Maybe should have clarified it. I do have trans friends (and also had before my egg cracking), but being trans was literally never a topic we talked about.
Thankfully I have my own place for university, so I dont have to worry that they are finding my Hormones.
First of all, I’m so sorry your parents are treating you this way. No one deserves to have their dysphoria so blatantly disregarded.
I grew up with very conservative parents, so I feel like I can share some insight that might be helpful to your situation.
It’s important to remember that they are probably coming from a place of genuine concern. While their beliefs are very misguided, they truly believe they are “protecting you from harming yourself based on radical online propaganda”.
Assuming you want to and/or need to maintain a relationship with them, it’s critical that they understand that the dysphoria you are experiencing is so painful that any risks of HRT are worth it to you. If the alternative is hating your body to the point of self harm, try to (as calmly as possible) explain what not treating that would mean for you.
Any well-meaning parent doesn’t want their child to suffer. You can help them see that your suffering is in leaving this untreated.
In addressing their transphobia, continue sharing the findings of the medical community with them. If it’s just your word vs the media they consume, they’ll assume you’re just being manipulated. There’s no guarantee they will change their stance, but if you can get them closer to your side, it will make things much easier.
It’s always frustrating when people focus on the risks of doing something but ignore the risks of not doing anything.
🫂
Arguing that you “don’t know the risks” is an infuriating trend I’ve noticed among chronically ignorant people. Of course you know the risks, both of treatment and the lack thereof. You’re the one that cares enough to do the research! I want to respectfully consider the possibility that this knee jerk reaction stems from their nurturing, protective instincts, but to be blunt, they’re doing a crap job, and it’s going to end up doing more damage than their imagined risks of HRT.
You can continue sending them reading material, and hopefully they’ll make a more sincere attempt to understand it when they realise you’re drifting away from them, but doing this yourself in person doesn’t sound like it’s going to go anywhere. I know university isn’t far off, but I hope you can avoid these conflicts in other ways until then. They sound a lot more dogmatic than the fanatical trans circles they believe are programming you, and prolonged exposure to their rhetoric is a surefire way to instill self hatred. You don’t deserve this.
Honestly fuck your parents. Don’t let them ruin your life. Probably better to keep it to yourself. Do what you need to do. One day you can cut them off. Don’t let them get you down. You will be very happy one day soon.
