Warnā¦ typed this up and then couldnāt stop myself, itās long but advice is appreciated (needed?..)
This canāt be real. After avoiding mirrors. Hating mirrors. Smashing one. Gosh I fucking hate reflections. After hating myself for so long (and still).
Now, I canāt push this aside like I would other problems. I just wanted to be a normal 18 year old. Round off the school year. Get college plans in place. Parties, hangouts, something like that. But now itās different. Now I know Iām trans (fuck, Iāve never said that anywhereā¦), and I canāt push through things the same way anymore, although Iām now putting so much more effort in to try. I barely even had my shit together before, likely to some ADHD(/autism?? I donāt knowā¦) that already felt like the biggest hurdle trying to grasp and get tested for (very little progress made on that front). Now I feel like Iāve been living a complete lie up to this point, and Iāll have to restart but on hard mode. I donāt know what to do. The people in my life are limited and I have a really hard time articulating my points, let alone my feelings, I donāt know who to talk to or ask for advice. I feel like walls are being pushed up against me.
My mom is really great and I love her so much, but itās always hard to get a read on her since sheās busy and exhausted near constantly. Sheās indifferent about queer people, and doesnāt really have a good understanding of them. She grew up in a conservative third-world country and is really prideful of her religion; I donāt think sheāll be receptive. Even just growing my hair out sheās made half-jokes of her having a son, not a daughter. My hair isnāt even that long yet, but I stopped cutting it a while ago before understanding why I wanted to see it longer.
My friends areā¦ great. Iām arenāt worried about their opinions on me whenever I decide that I want to tell them, but now is a really bad time. Iām used to keeping up appearances for a long time even when Iām not doing well, so the sudden shift to the absolute mess I am internally right now is just too much. We have so little life experience, and weāre practically still kids. They donāt have the resources or capacity to deal with me as I am right now, and Iām not willing to put that burden on them.
For now Iāll look through objects, my work, and even people that are standing in front of me far more often now, even more than with my other undiagnosed issues, just struggling to keep thisā¦ machineā¦ active. I will walk around and get my day done as I usually would but in such a disconnected state knowing that this flesh sack is an illusion Iām using to make everything look like itās ok when I know Iām walking through a full scale production of lies. Iāll spend time with my friends silently begging they would stop repeating the name of a person that doesnāt exist. Iāll get home and make dinner for my brother who since he was a baby has always seen me as the best big ābrotherā in the world. Iāll go to my desk and (try to) get some work done wishing I at least had my own room to store stuff in for expressing myself in (not on purpose, this place is all we can afford). When I go to bed I can either listen to stuff on my earbuds to keep the feels at bay or cry anyway knowing thereās no room, time, or place in my life to be anything other than what the flesh on the outside appears to be. Iāll remember how Iāve realized who I am now at no worse possible time, where people like me are having their rights stripped and threats to be hurt and/or killed. And Iāll live that cycle over and over again. For how much longer? I donāt fucking know. But whatās a little longer when Iāve been doing it that way alreadyā¦ why do I have to be so fucked upā¦
Iām trying for any sort of advice, I know my circumstances arenāt helping and my thoughts are disconnected and rambly (as they usually are)ā¦ this is the first time Iāve ever really opened up about my (not just trans) feelings before to a place other than animals or random plushies (lmaoā¦), and itās also quite late in the night for me, but I can try and explain some more stuff. I just have no vision on where I go from here other than really bad placesā¦
I see so much of myself in you. Iāve been there, had those feelings. I want you to know youāre not alone. Everything youāre feeling is valid, and are things others have been able to work through before. I want so much to dump everything Iāve learned on you but Iāll skip to the immediate stuff since Iām sure thatās what you really need right now.
The thing that helped me the most by far was starting hormones. If you live in the US near a planned parenthood, that would be the easiest and fastest way to get on HRT. They use an informed consent model for gender affirming care, so if you make an appointment for gender affirming care you just tell them how youāve been feeling and they will diagnose you with gender dysphoria and prescribe you hormones (you might have to tell them you want hormones). I donāt think you should go get prescribed immediately but I want you to know there may be a fast option for you to get HRT, that doesnāt require telling your family or talking to a bunch of doctors and waiting forever. You will probably want to research hormones and their effects for yourself first.
Hormones helped me the most because even just the first little breast buds that started growing gave me more gender euphoria than I ever thought was possible. I thought I wouldnāt feel good until I passed, but just that smallest little step meant so much to me, and the steps that followed kept feeling good. It was like Iād never really felt good about myself once in my entire life, just various degrees of bad, and that was the first time I ever felt it. I want you to know that because it might not feel like it now, but things can get a lot better. Iāve only been on hormones for 6 months, so Iām going through my transition at the worst time too. Youāre not alone.
Iāve looked into HRT a bit and Iāll continue following your advice, but Iām strongly considering it, especially now that I see thereās some kind of path for itā¦ just being able to see some sort of plan ahead is so so helpful for my mindset, tysm ā¤ļø
planned parenthood near me is a little far but I think it might be transit accessible which I can definitely do. if I ever decide to, what can I expect with a place like that in general? would I have to go pick up prescriptions elsewhere?
You would probably have to pick up any prescriptions at a separate pharmacy, Iāve never heard of a clinic that had their own. Itās basically just like a doctor appointment anywhere else, you schedule a time and come in, wait for them to call you into the back, probably wait a bit longer, then tell the provider why youāre there.
To add to what the other person said, you do generally have to go somewhere else to pick up the prescription. They will send it to whatever pharmacy you choose, so if you can find one youāre comfortable going to before your appointment you can tell them when youāre there and they will send it to the pharmacy. You could pick one close to home, or one far from home where youāre sure no one will know you if youāre concerned about that.
One thing to note is it will cost money (everything fucking does) just for the appointment, and the hormones will cost money as well. I ended up paying out of pocket when I went and it was a couple hundred dollars if I remember correctly. Theyāll ask you about your income and situation before the appointment, then give you a quote before you see the doctor so you can decide if itās too much or not. I paid full price because I have a full time job and it was out of network, but you might not have to pay as much depending on your situation. The place I went to I paid after the appointment. They will also want you to come back in a few months to get your levels checked, which you should if only so you know if itās working, but it will probably also be cheaper than a private tester like Quest or something.
The hormones were much cheaper, it ended up being less than $100 for everything the first time. I asked for injections from the beginning because you only have to do it once a week and I have ADHD so I knew it would be annoying trying to remember every day. It also works better, has fewer side effects, is cheaper than other options, and you get several months of estrogen per vial. The only real downside as far as I can tell is having to actually do the injection. For me it was worth it so I pushed through and figured it out. Thereās a number of options for taking estrogen but that was the best for me. All told I got estradiol valerate (the estrogen itself), 90 days of progesterone tablets (I take them rectally because itās supposed to work much better, still have to take them every day though), some syringes, some needles to get the estrogen out of the vial, some thinner needles to actually do the injection (I do intramuscular because they told me itās better but people also do subcutaneous), a sharps container for the used needles, and some cotton swabs and isopropyl alcohol (for disinfecting prior to the injection).
One thing to note is the pharmacy will usually give you barely enough syringes and needles for the vial, and at mine they overcharged me for them. Iām planning to buy them online when I get closer to running out of what I have now. You can get a whole box of the needles and syringes and itās much cheaper. That will only matter if you decide to go with injections but I figured Iād mention.
I will also note that if you want to have children in the future you might want to think about fertility preservation. Estrogen will tank your sperm count, maybe to zero, so if you donāt freeze your sperm you would likely need to stop hormones for a while in the future if you decide to have kids. It might be some work to find, but there are places where you can have your sperm stored for personal use. Basically you go, jizz in a cup (privately), they do some tests, then freeze it for you. It took me a while to find a good place where I live because a lot of them were sketchy or their storage facilities were in another state, which was a deal breaker for me (I donāt want my sperm in fucking Texas like wtf). The place I ended up going was still not great. They asked me a lot of invasive and offensive questions about my sexual history and orientation. Partly that was because of the law, which is pretty fucked. Sperm storage is generally pretty shitty on the customer service because generally they operate as sperm banks first, so men go to donate rather than store for themselves. Thereās this weird almost eugenics vibe to it that made me somewhat uncomfortable. I donāt want to put you off, just giving you the heads up what to expect if you decide to do it.
tsym again for the honesty and thoroughness of your responses ā¤ļø itās helping me figure out what I need to do and the order Iāll prioritize them
I have a pharmacy nearby that I usually pick up my prescriptions from, but now that you mention the people issue Iāll have to consider that factor. Injections sound doable to me and Iāll take a look at the other options as well. As for having kids, the idea just isnāt for me.
currently looking for a parttime job thatās accessible to me (walk, bike, transit) and Iāll set that as higher priority. I do have some money from an as needed/contract type thing Iām doing but itās not reliable
+1 for injections, it really seems like the best route of administration (generally)
hereās a resource to learn more about HRT: https://transfemscience.org/articles/transfem-intro/
also, if you havenāt already, reading The Gender Dysphoria Bible is worthwhile
and just a warning about the Planned Parenthood sliding scale payments: I know a trans man recently who went to PP and they said they no longer do the sliding scale because the grants that funded that approach have been defunded by the Trump administration, so ā¦ just donāt be surprised if they arenāt able to do the sliding scale payments that they used to do.
Oh and I wanted to re-iterate the idea that estrogen should be one of the first things you start - too many people think of it as a later step, but estrogen can often help a lot of the executive dysfunction and other mental health issues, and it can also be really clarifying.
You can also take estrogen for something like 3 months without any permanent changes, and the āpermanentā change you risk after that point is breast growth that wonāt go away. So, itās very safe and you have some time to try it out and see without having to fully ācommitā.